Episode 2: I'm Fred Durst, Bitch
There are times when you get drunk alone with the computer that you feel you need something to entertain yourself. And, what better to entertain yourself than making fun of stupid people? My friend had linked me to Fred Durst's (Limp Bizkit) live journal, so I could make fun of all his retard fans who love him. [The link is here: Xanga-Fred Durst, for all who dare to tread.] For all those unfamiliar with Limp Bizkit, they're responsible for such horrible audio tragedies, as "Nookie" and "Break Stuff" (I think that's what it's called, but in any case, I don't care enough to double check). His music is typical of bad American crap. The musical content is repetitive, the lyrical content is obnoxious and unintelligent, and the values or ideas the band stands for are, just, nonexistent, except for hedonism and popularity (which probably falls under hedonism). What happens when the lead singer of this band starts a live journal, or web blog? Well, this is what happens: "I've been listening to Limp Bizkit for years, over and over again, squeezing anything I can out of my four Lb albums, always wanting more. The words have impacted my life more than you could ever know." -- "FRED!! you are so talented & inspiring... i cant get enough of you!!! Thank you for being such an inspiration to me.. you dont know the effect you have on my life. You have opened my eyes..." -- "fred, we understand and connect.....whether u have a million dollars and a record deal or a shack in the 3rd world, your still a person with feelings and i think that scares some people that you may infact be a real person." I could go on with the other drivel there, just for the sake of hilarity. But, this article has a better point to it. So, as I was drunkenly stumbling across this web blog, I find this one response to Durst...
I stop, look at it, and then look at it again. "Hhhhhmmmmmmmm," as thoughts go through my head and a devilish idea pops up....................
The First Encounter
Fred Durst: hey, whats up. durst here.
IceDog: holy shit are you serious
Fred Durst: yeah, dude, what's up?
IceDog: im just sitting here on my computer, about to go to sleep
IceDog: i live in ohio
Fred Durst: i toured there a few times. it's a cool place.
IceDog: yeah it's nice. i live in the city so i don't realize how rural the state really is.
Fred Durst: right on
Fred Durst: hopefully we'll be passing through that state on our next tour
IceDog: that would be cool. i've never really been to a big concert
Fred Durst: right, yeah.... so you like my music?
IceDog: yeah, my step brother used to listen to it and i got hooked
Fred Durst: Word.
Fred Durst: you know, MTV wanted me to be on a collection cd of america's music, but with britney spears, so I says, "fuck dat shit, i aint gonna be on no album with some stinkin' beeyotch who cant sing."
IceDog: that's crazy. what did they say?
Fred Durst: usual legal stuff, "we respect your artist decision, but we need the check back." man, i hate stuff like that.
IceDog: that's very interesting. what other artists do you admire most?
Fred Durst: i really like the guys who made the movie 'pooty tang.'
IceDog: lol what the hell is that?
Fred Durst: a movie. about pooty tang.
IceDog: that's cool
IceDog: mtv seems pretty shitty nowadays, but they usually have a show or two that i watch a lot
IceDog: i loved the days when they had beavis and butthead
Fred Durst: yeah, it sucks that i'm not on it more
Fred Durst: you know, mtv tried to pay some artists 10,000 each if we used words like "hizizzle" more often, but im no sellout
IceDog: that is wigger crap
Fred Durst: yeah, i don't sell out, except maybe with my latest album
Fred Durst: haha, just kidding, i rock
IceDog: it pisses me off about how mtv always tries to capitalize on whatever is becoming popular to any group, and it dies out just because of that shear fact
Fred Durst: i know it, that's why i keep it real with the chainsaw-izzle.
IceDog: what do you mean?
Fred Durst: all my lyrics, i try to grasp a real emotion with people... that's why i'm so good at covers
Fred Durst: hahaha, just kidding, i rock too hard sometimes
IceDog: of course
Fred Durst: on my xanga blog, you asked me, how hard was it, to turn my dream into reality. well, let me answer that.
Fred Durst: if you think it's hard to sit around, eat whip cream out of the can, steal peoples music, and talk about breaking things, then my album was hard
Fred Durst: hahaha, just kidding, i'm so cool
IceDog: whipped cream kicks ass
IceDog: i know a kid who uses the cans to get high but i'm like "what the fuck, your wasting the whipped creme"
IceDog: is it cream or creme
Fred Durst: i think it's cream....
Fred Durst: my lawyer might know, who knows.
IceDog: so what will your next xanga update be about?
Fred Durst: i probably will have to make a statement dealing with all the hataz out there
Fred Durst: then i'll talk about some deep, personal stuff, because thinking is an expertise.
IceDog: man i tried talking about personal stuff once, and i got laughed at, so i keep it all bottled up inside now
Fred Durst: aw, man, don't do that.... if we all did that, we wouldn't have songs like 'nookie'
IceDog: that song was crazy
IceDog: and violent, but violence is cool
IceDog: and it mentioned a cookie
IceDog: and we all know that grandma cookies are the best
Fred Durst: yeah, violence is definitely fuckin' awesome
IceDog: fuckin grandma cookies
Fred Durst: you know it, bro
IceDog: are you really fred durst?
Fred Durst: dude, dont play me, i'm about as much fred durst as i am really cool
IceDog: im not playin u
IceDog: i'm straight trippin, b
Fred Durst: word, bro
IceDog: what do you think of that eminem kid?
Fred Durst: that kid is a faggot ass playa'. he ain't got no game and no rock. his music is for pussies, but he raps good.
IceDog: thats true
IceDog: but i'd like to see him fight Tiger Woods
IceDog: i think that would be a good fight
IceDog: don't you?
Fred Durst: yeah, that would totally rock
IceDog: tiger would rape him like a mexican on mexican raping day though
Fred Durst: oh, man, because mexicans are such good at raping, not rapping
IceDog: anybody with the name "tiger" must have their shit together
Fred Durst: you know it, including tony the tiga'.
IceDog: he's on steroids though
Fred Durst: really? weird, dude
IceDog: dude, haven't you ever seen those "supercharged frosted flakes" commercials
IceDog: you can't get muscles that phat without some hoogily woogily
Fred Durst: you know it, bro
Fred Durst: what do you think about john davis from korn?
IceDog: i respect korn as a group
IceDog: but some of them are just fucked up, which is good in a way
Fred Durst: yeah.
IceDog: but my money is on Fieldy
Fred Durst: i think john davis, their lead singer, is wicked cute.
Fred Durst: haha, just kidding, i'm cool, i'm so cool
Fred Durst: so cool, i'm ice cold
IceDog: that's cool
IceDog: Fred, i'm going to sleep
IceDog: perhaps i'll put the hook on later, b
Fred Durst: a'ight bro, keep it real!
IceDog: keep those mexicans in line
Fred Durst: you know it!
IceDog: if you want to read it, my xanga is in my profile
IceDog: it used to be funny
IceDog: then it wasn't
Fred Durst: aw, dude, i'll be there like white on rice! (that's how we do things downtown)
IceDog: fo sho
Fred Durst: lata
IceDogsigned off at 2:27:53 AM.
Fred Durst and his Pal IceDog!
IceDog: hey durst
Fred Durst: yo, what's up?
IceDog: not much, i just killed a spider
Fred Durst: whoa, right on, violence is cool
IceDog: where were you born?
Fred Durst: oh, one sec, i gotta handle some bitch problems
Fred Durst: I was born in Gastonia, North Carolina, a shitty small town.
IceDog: bitch problems?
Fred Durst: ah, you know, female problems.... whatever, i'm cool, i can handle it all
IceDog: yeah you just gotta smack that shit up, plus your rich
Fred Durst: yeah, and what more does a fella need!?
IceDog: you need mexicans
IceDog: if i was rich, i'd have a fucking army of mexicans
IceDog: they work for like 2 dollars an hour
Fred Durst: yeah, man, and then i could have millions of them
IceDog: i've got to go peace out
Fred Durst: Lata'z!
IceDog signed off at 4:15:07 PM.
Limp Bizkit is in the Hizouse!
[I was actually wasted the third convo, and forgot to save it, but this is the convo after it...]
About now, things were still kinda getting dull. It was the same dumb kid doing the same stupid things. I needed a way to spice things up, and that's where the next convo comes in.
Fred Durst: heyyyyyy, ice dog, what up, bro!
IceDog: hey not much fred
Fred Durst: word, word
Fred Durst: Feel free to IM DJ Lethal whenever you want, on "DJ Lethal."
Fred Durst: what grade are you in?
IceDog: 9th, freshman
Fred Durst: ah, that's cool
Fred Durst: we've been in the studio all week working on some new stuff, trying to go back to our roots
Fred Durst: but still trying to have some fun here and there with the music
IceDog: yeah dude i thought of a cool song name, but i forgot it
Fred Durst: cool, cool, it's never too early to be thinking about a career in music
IceDog: ill problably end up being in business, something like mark cuban, hopefully
Fred Durst: word, g
IceDog: so what kinda stuff are you coming up with?
Fred Durst: well, we're trying to go back to our roots with the $3 album, but still having some new stuff.
Fred Durst: DJ Lethal is whipping out some great stuff, and we've been working on this joke song where I have a british accent
Fred Durst: it's so hard, sometimes, just recording, because I can never know if it's good or bad, because it's my own music, and it's so hard to judge by myself
IceDog: yeah i can understand that
Fred Durst: dj lethal can do so many new things with music and its new technology
Fred Durst: you want to listen to an mp3 of something I did as a joke song and tell me what you think?
Fred Durst: my desk is covered in cds. just let me find the cd we pumped out a few days ago.
Fred Durst: Okay, I got it.
Fred Durst: this song is our joke song. I have a British accent in it, and DJ lethal made my voice sound terrible.
Fred Durst wants to send file C:\Music\Limp Bizkit - Do They Know Us Living.mp3.
IceDog received C:\Music\Limp Bizkit - Do They Know Us Living.mp3.
[It's actually "Do They Owe Us A Living" by Crass.]
Fred Durst: check that shizit out.
Fred Durst: it's supposed to sound terrible, being a joke song
IceDog: it doesn't sound like you guys, but its tight
IceDog: can you send me another song?
Fred Durst: Yeah, sure.
Fred Durst: DJ Lethal changed my voice so it would sound bad, and all the instruments weren't even professional recorded.
Fred Durst: We've been goofing off in the studio, making lots of joke songs. Most of them won't even see the album.
Fred Durst: john otto had this awesome idea, where we do a song where i'm singing the "barbie girl" song, and then dj lethal suggested i do it in german
Fred Durst: but, heh, i can't speak german
Fred Durst: we found someone in the studio who did, though, and he wrote down what to say to sound like i'm speaking german
IceDog: yeah, i dont understand what the hell rammstein says but its still cool
Fred Durst: dj lethal totally turned this song into craziness
Fred Durst wants to send file C:\Music\Limp Bizkit - Barbie Girl (German).mp3.
Fred Durst: check out that shizat
IceDog received C:\Music\Limp Bizkit - Barbie Girl (German).mp3.
[It's actually some random German, techno remix of "Barbie Girl."]
Fred Durst: how'z that for a goofing off song?
IceDog: lol i got to find where i put it
Fred Durst: haha, cool
IceDog: that's cool, i think iv already heard it though
Fred Durst: yeah, we were just goofing off in the studio
Fred Durst: dj lethal has been actually doing some work, though
IceDog: thats cool
IceDog: can u send me a real serious song that ur makin?
Fred Durst: yeah, sure.... but, I only have the part for it that dj lethal did so far.
Fred Durst: he's been turning out some phat beats, yo
Fred Durst: i'm looking for this one beat.... i think it's so good, we'll put it as the beginning part of the first song on the new album
Fred Durst wants to send file C:\Music\Limp Bizkit - Keeping the B to the izkit.mp3.
IceDog: thats cool when do you think your gonna release it
Fred Durst: usually, once an album is finally recorded, it's at least a month for lawyers and the publisher to do all the legal bullshit that needs to be done
IceDog received C:\Music\Limp Bizkit - Keeping the B to the izkit.mp3.
[This piece was actually done by me, not Durst-douchebag. It's a good techno piece.]
Fred Durst: checkaz that outtaz
Fred Durst: ain't made by no mexicans
IceDog: thats cool
IceDog: the thing at the end was unexpected
Fred Durst: yeah, lethal's been doin' crazy shizat like that all the time
Fred Durst: it's gonna be used to open up to a full song
Fred Durst: man, i really miss cowtipping in north carolina
IceDog: what's that?
Fred Durst: it's when you knock over a cow that's sleeping, because you know, violence is cool.
IceDog: stupid fucking cows
Fred Durst: word to that-izzle
Fred Durst: man, my butler is so cool, he makes us call him dj butler. of course i had to deduct his paycheck for that.
Fred Durst: i'll be right back, i have to go make some platinum record albums
Fred Durst: haha, i'm cool, i'm cool, bbl
Fred Durst (away message): If I wasn't Fred Durst, I wouldn't be as cool.
IceDog signed off at 4:01:52 PM.
See, that's the great part of it. My friend Paul (Plastic Jesus) and I debated for a while over what song to send him. Maybe we would send him Dead Prez (rap), maybe we should send him a German synthpop remix of "Barbie Girl," or some weird song by an unknown techno artist that goes "fish heads, fish heads, rolly polly fish heads..." Maybe we could get away with Crass or Propagandhi. We thought about Weakerthans, but then we said, "No way in hell does Limp Bizkit go from the worst lyrics ever to the best lyrics." For a few moments, we considered sending Planes Mistaken for Stars, and telling the kid, "Yeah, way back, we used to be a punk band." I thought about sending "Pull My Strings" by Dead Kennedys, you know, and let the kid think that Fred Durst was actually changing to a non-douchebag form, but no. It had to be Crass. I looked over all the songs over and over. Crass is quite the opposite in every way to Limp Bizkit, which is why it was hilarious. Maybe I could've sent "Mickey Mouse is Dead," or I could have sent "Greatest Working Class Rip Off" and change the title to "I'm Jack the Fucking Ripper."
DJ Lethal is in the Hiz-ouse!
Fred Durst: At what point does our conscience turn back on? =)
DJ Lethal: We never had one to begin with.
The part of DJ Lethal is played by The Plastic Jesus...
DJ Lethal: YO YO YO, dj lethal back in the hizhouse!
IceDog: what the fuck is up my good man
DJ Lethal: you like our new shit LB is putting out?
IceDog: its pretty good, yeah
DJ Lethal: oh, because i think it sucks dont you?
IceDog: you need to get back to 3$
DJ Lethal: so the new stuff is wack?
IceDog: a lot of its good
DJ Lethal: we were just having fun that day though
DJ Lethal: when your rich like us you can waste money in the studio
DJ Lethal: should i buy a hummer or a comero
DJ Lethal: when your rich like me though you can probably buy both
DJ Lethal: ha, i kid i kid
DJ Lethal: yeah, yo
IceDog: neither man
IceDog: hummers are too common now
IceDog: and cameros aren't that pimp
DJ Lethal: so man, what the fuck have you been up to
DJ Lethal: i have a terrible hangover from last night
IceDog: dude have you ever played racquetball?
DJ Lethal: no man
IceDog: dude that shizzle is off the fucking hizzle
DJ Lethal: you like the intro to the new album?
DJ Lethal: i wrote that shit, i tink its sick as fuck
IceDog: yeah thats some pimp ass dope shit
DJ Lethal: if you don't like it man just tell me
IceDog: i do man, but that thing at the end is unexpected
DJ Lethal: i may cut out the end, should I?
IceDog: maybe, the only reason is because it cuts out the beat from the beginning
IceDog: if you can mix them it'd kick ass
Fred Durst Is Back!
IceDog: yo yo
IceDog is idle at 6:03:34 PM.
IceDog is no longer idle at 6:09:31 PM.
IceDog: hey fred
IceDog is idle at 7:05:24 PM.
IceDog is no longer idle at 7:16:51 PM.
IceDog signed off at 7:18:25 PM.
IceDog signed on at 9:53:48 PM.
IceDog: Freddy - How the fuck are things going my main man?
Fred Durst: yo, ice dog, brova'.... things are going great, you?
IceDog: super fanstastic
Fred Durst: right on
IceDog: dude, will you comment on my xanga?
IceDog: i'll get all the bitches and hoes
Fred Durst: sorta' busy at the moment, bro, but i will in good time... i want to make sure that i have time to make a super cool post, ya' dig?
Fred Durst: hey, what do you think about our new guitarist compared to wes borland?
IceDog: hes cool
IceDog: you think you can do that tonight man?
Fred Durst: I'll see.... it's 7 o'clock over here right now, and I have a get together later on, but i'll try.
Fred Durst: hey, you want to talk to wes borland, dude?
Fred Durst: he's not in the band anymore, but we're still close
IceDog: why'd he leave?
Fred Durst: he wanted to do his own solo project, named "ultra cool biscuick," i think
Fred Durst: His SN is Wes Borland.
IceDog: yeah that is pretty creepy
Fred Durst: yeah, i don't know the exact details
IceDog: so dont you fuckin hate chicago?
Fred Durst: nah, i gotta have a little bit of love for every place my fans are at.
IceDog: what do you think about snoop?
IceDog is idle at 10:51:49 PM.
Wes Borland Rocks, Kid!
IceDog: yo wes
Wes Borland: Yo man, whats going on?
IceDog: not much
Wes Borland: so fred tells me youre still a freshman. Highschool fucking blows, word?
IceDog: yeah, like a mexican on cock sucking day
Wes Borland: word. believe it or not, i like mexican blowjobs the best though.
Wes Borland: i get em for free, cause im so famous.
IceDog: of course.
Wes Borland: bitches love me.
IceDog: of course
Wes Borland: so fred showed you some of the new stuff?
IceDog: not much of it
Wes Borland: yeah. Even though fred and i had some creative differences, i always thought when we messed around in the studio was hillarious. nice to see he is keeping the tradition without me there.
Wes Borland: Do they show us living was hillarious. i have no idea how he does that to his voice, but its crazy.
Wes Borland: he actually has mad talent.
Wes Borland: fred tell you about my solo thing?
IceDog: yeah the super biscuit or whatever
Wes Borland: yeah, i dont know why he keeps calling that, its actually called "true confessions of wes"
Wes Borland: i think he thinks hes funny when he does it, but its starting to get on my nerves.
Wes Borland: but yah mine, im super excited about that.
Wes Borland: there arent really any lyrics, all the emotion is conveyed through the music.
Wes Borland: aww shit man, i gotta go, i was supposed to go out with some bitch tonight and i forgot about so i should probably call her.
IceDog: ok bye
Wes Borland: later dude.
You know, I could have carried it on further and introduced further antics. Next steps would have been: introducing Whitney Houston online, saying that I had sex with her, then her confirming, "Yeah, but only in the butt," among other tirades. I was trying to find some mp3 of Durst doing an interview, but couldn't find one. I would have used it to put his voice in with someone else (maybe Barney characters) and send it to this kid, saying, "Yeah, we sold out, but only to the PBS Barney show." So many possibilities when the stupidity is endless. Instead, I told him that all three of us weren't really Limp Bizkit, but that instead we were gay roadies for Limp Bizkit. "Though the pay is low, we like the fact that Fred makes us give him head all the time." With that, I blocked the annoying twat.
Is there even a point to this tirade, or are we just being hooligans and scallywags? Well, I think we demonstrated a very valuable point. Dumbass kids will lick the floor that Limp Bizkit walks on, because they're stupid, impressionable, thoughtless, and ignorant. I acted like a total dick retard to this kid, and he still worshipped me. Fuckin' hell, I sent him a Crass song, saying I made it, and he said it was tight, just because I was Fred Durst. The point is simple: don't worship someone just because they can make music. Well, maybe the actual point is: don't worship someone who fails badly at making music. Just because the strings of music in someone's song can make your soul rise, it doesn't mean the lyrical content has any meaning. The song "Hotel California" is practically about nothing, but a beautiful song nonetheless. The songs by Limp Bizkit can basically be described as, "Idiots Gone Wild!" They're songs about fame, money, sex, fame, violence, and fame. Congratulations, Limp Bizkit: You've just about put your band title as a lyric in every other song you've made. Anyway, even if I didn't demonstrate any point, this was hilarious as hell.